Forgiveness in Form

I could hardly sleep. I pressed the neon light on the side of my watch and it read 3:15 AM. That was twice past the first time I looked. My nerves were bad. Nestled beside me was my husband sleeping as peacefully as could be. My stomach refused to allow for the same rest. I just stared through the darkness at the ceiling I knew all too well.

We were spending the night at my parents’ house and were actually in my old bedroom. Without little room to spread out, the intimacy did not comfort me as well as it should. Tomorrow, I would be standing in front of men, again, waiting on a decision that would personally affect my life. My desire to put my past far behind me and my future unlimited in front of me, consumed my thoughts. I didn’t know what I was planning to do if the answer was "NO."

Needless to say, the hours passed and my time came. Their answer was yes, and the State of Alabama rendered their forgiveness in the form of an official Pardon on December 1st. I was as free as the few permanent restrictions allowed for. It was done and there I stood speechless and in tears.

I can understand why research suggests we rid out lives of anxiety. At any given moment Monday night, I felt it a true possibility that my heart could leap from my chest and attack me. I wanted peace, but it seemed I couldn’t force away my worries even when I tried.

Forgiveness is difficult whether you are the one in need of mercy or the one having to excuse. I look back and I still don’t know how the Lord managed to soften the hearts of those I hurt; The damage was immense and their pain, even greater. I have no doubt that God’s will and purpose are the sole reason I still exist and it saddens me that I ever allow myself to forget his Word.

And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment.

Revelation 21:6 (ESV)